So I'm feeling a little bit down currently. To make a long, complicated story short, Bethany (my girlfriend) and I broke up this past week. It has been very interesting to see all the different ways that I've reacted to this new situation that God has put me into.
First off, I still love Bethany. I love her very deeply. This in no way has weakened that. Yet i feel like it should! Usually when people break up, the relationship dwindles. Usually when people break up, you try and get over the person. I haven't really found that to be true.
I know that sounds quite creepy, but i promise that I'm not stalking anyone or anything. :-) My love for her has had the cushy exterior taken off of it, and now its time for the rubber to meet the road. Will I try and become a better man for Bethany, or will I stay exactly where I'm at right now.
But through that train of thought comes and even bigger struggle: Should I be improving in my life for her and my love for her, or for God and my love for Him?
This thought has been running through my head recently, and i've been tossing it back and forth. Through good conversations and a lot of self searching, I realize that my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life. Its not that it should be, it is. Even if i don't want it to be, the way that I view my God is what I base everything else in the world upon.
Ok, lets just say for a minute that Bethany and I hadn't broken up. Our relationship would've continued and it would have been fine. But what if she died? What if she was taken out of my life in a completely unexpected way? If my world-view is based upon my relationship with her, I will view God as unfair and unjust. Everything that i think in my brain comes back to God, which in turn brings me to Jesus Christ.
I've been reading through the old testament from front to back, and I am about to finish up with Joshua. In Joshua 3:5 Joshua tells the people to purify themselves because in the next day God was going to do wonders. I feel like i've been called to be purified. Purified in my thoughts and Purified in my actions. God is a jealous God that is so jealous, he constantly draws all my thoughts back to Him.
Through this lens, I have been so stupid! I apologize to every relationship that I've not been god focused in, to Bethany, and first and foremost to God.
Hah. This was embarrassingly introspective. I hope that if you bring this to me sometime, I blush. :-)
it feels good to blog.